How to Tell My Parents I'm Gay: Tips From Therapists
Takeaway: Being honest with yourself about your sexuality is one thing, but telling your parents that you're gay is an entirely different story. Before you sit down and have a conversation with them, it's important to do the necessary prep work so you can express yourself confidently and comfortably. From starting small and choosing the right time and place for the conversation to setting boundaries and asserting one's needs, this guide offers practical strategies to help you navigate coming out to your parents.
So, you’re thinking about telling your parents you’re gay. Congratulations! Just considering allowing your family to know about your sexual orientation or gender identity is a big deal.
However, sharing your orientation with others isn’t as easy as it seems. Speaking the truth about your identity is liberating but also opens the door to scrutiny. Since LGBTQ+ people experience significantly more discrimination than their non-identifying peers, safety is, unfortunately, always a concern, no matter who you’re disclosing or coming out to. Although we’ve come a long way as a society, those who don’t understand or accept LGBTQ+ people are still a concern when telling someone you’re gay – even your parents.
In this guide, we’ll explain different topics to help you get ready to come out. Remember, these pieces of advice aren’t meant to be followed step-by-step. Whether you’re excited to finally live authentically around loved ones or nervous about how life may change, take what works for you and apply it to your situation. That’s the beauty of claiming your own identity; you can do whatever you feel is best for your situation.
Age Matters, Or Does It?
In general, when it comes to coming out, age is just a number. Whether you’re 15 or 40, your journey to self-acceptance and sharing your truth with your parents is unique to your circumstance and timeline.
However, coming out before you’re a legal adult can make things difficult if your parents don’t receive the news well and react negatively – something becoming more relevant as the average coming out age is progressively becoming younger. Research from the Trevor Project supports this, indicating that the average age at which people come out differs between adolescents and young adults. 35% of youth report coming out before age 13, while only 8% of LGBTQ+ adults ages 18-24 surveyed said they came out prior to age 13.
While many parents are supportive of their LGBTQ+ children, not everyone comes from an accepting family. As a result, having housing and financial resources, as well as a strong support system, should be a primary concern if you’re under 18 or are financially dependent on them. Nearly all gay children and teens (and adults!) want to be out and proud, but basic needs and even safety concerns are still, unfortunately, a barrier to fully stepping into one's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or other identity.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Tell Your Parents You’re Gay
What are my expectations?
Before broaching the topic with your parents, take a moment to examine your expectations for their reaction. Are you hoping for immediate acceptance and support? Remember that it may take your parents some time to process the new information, especially since very few parents have had this conversation before.
They may have difficulty understanding what being gay means, adjusting to using more inclusive language, or any other changes that come with having gay children. Nearly all parents imagine a certain life for their children, so it may take them time to reframe their conscious or unconscious expectations.
Even with the best of intentions, things may not always be perfect – especially if they’ve only interacted with heteronormative people before.
Or are you more concerned that they’ll be confused, disappointed, or even angry? You should also be prepared for a negative reaction. Children fear rejection, so being nervous about this is very common -- and almost expected. Stories of LGBTQ+ individuals experiencing rejection resulting in homelessness, poverty, and other life-changing circumstances are unfortunately all too common, especially among youth.
Because of this, consider the dynamics of your relationship with your parents and their past attitudes towards the gay community before having a conversation with them. Clarifying your expectations can help you approach the discussion more realistically, giving you more capacity to handle an unexpected reaction.
How will my life change after I tell my parents I’m gay?
Anticipate the potential shifts in your life, including your relationships, after telling your mom and dad you’re gay. How will their acceptance or non-acceptance impact your sense of self, family dynamics, and overall well-being? Remember that while coming out can bring on significant changes, it also allows you to live a more authentic life full of self-expression.
What does my support system look like?
The last thing to do before talking to your parents about your sexuality is to identify people and places that can support you, like a supportive friend, another family member, support group, or LGBTQ+ organizations in your community you can count on after coming out. Additional resources are also available online at places like the Trevor Project. Building a strong support system, hopefully including your parents, provides a sense of belonging, validation, and empowerment during a typically nerve-wracking time.
How do I know when I’m ready?
As we’ve already mentioned, there’s no right or wrong time to tell your parents you’re gay. Knowing when you’re ready is subjective because it starts with how confident and comfortable you are in your sexuality. You don’t need someone else’s blessing to confirm or validate your sexuality, although having support from your parents makes things much less stressful. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself: have I accepted myself? If not, you may need to take a little more time.
Okay, I’m ready. Now what?
Finally deciding you’re ready to tell your parents you’re gay is a moment you’ll never forget. It signals another step toward increasing your self-confidence in your identity and taking charge of your life. Let’s look at a few things to do during the conversation with your parents.
Start small.
You might want to rip off the bandaid, telling your parents without taking all the proper precautions. If that’s not your style, initiating discussions about LGBTQ+ topics and sharing online articles or TikTok videos to gauge their reactions is a more subtle approach. Start a casual discussion about their thoughts to acclimate your parents to the idea and covertly prepare them for your eventual discourse. Sometimes, if you bring positive and enlightened thought to the table, it can influence their opinions.
Tell them how, when, and where you’re comfortable.
Communicating how, when, and where you're comfortable sharing your sexual orientation with your parents is essential for creating a supportive environment. But by this point, you’ve hopefully done the work of choosing a time and place where you feel safe and emotionally prepared to have the conversation.
Whether it's during a one-on-one discussion, over a meal, or in a more private setting like your or your parent’s home, having somewhere to converse openly and honestly can help make the overall experience less anxiety-inducing. You should feel comfortable expressing yourself honestly and without fear.
Physical safety is always a top priority in any circumstance involving vulnerability. Before you sit down with your parents, evaluate the environment where you plan to come out to them to ensure it’s a safe space.
If your parents have a history of verbal or physical abuse, these things must be taken into consideration. It’s also important to ensure you’re being respected in this environment. There’s nothing wrong with asking those involved in the conversation to put away distractions so they can focus on what you’re saying.
Start empowering yourself by taking steps toward speaking your truth.
Telling your parents you’re gay is something that you get to do on your terms and your timeline. Yet despite all the preparation you do, it’s still normal to feel anxious about coming out.
At Hold the Vision Therapy, we offer therapy sessions geared toward helping you develop the confidence you need to converse with your parents, as well as extended family, friends, and other people in your life.
We believe that connection is essential in the therapeutic journey, so our team is happy to offer free consultations where you can learn more about our services.