How to Talk to Your Partner About Polyamory: 12 Tips from an Expert
Takeaway: Discussing polyamory with your partner can feel daunting, especially if you’re not sure how they’re going to react. At the same time, it’s important that you’re honest about how you feel and what you want. In this post, I offer my top tips for how to bring up polyamory with your partner in a healthy, constructive way.
Understanding polyamory
If you're looking to start a conversation about polyamory with your partner, chances are you've done your research. However, there are many common misconceptions about what polyamory means and what it looks like. (As a polyamory therapist in Chicago, I've heard them all.) Understanding the ins and outs of a poly lifestyle can help you be more confident and informed when you decide to bring it up to your partner.
How does polyamory work?
In its simplest terms, polyamory is the practice of having multiple relationships at once. Polyamory is also referred to as "consensual non-monogamy" (CNM).
Often, the terms polyamory and consensual (or ethical) non-monogamy are often used interchangeably. However, some people distinguish polyamory as the desire and ability to have multiple romantic relationships while CNM acts an umbrella term to refer to any relationship style that involves multiple people. This includes having multiple sexual relationships that aren't necessarily romantic.
As you may know, there are many different ways to practice polyamory. It is up to each person and polycule to determine what their needs, desires, and boundaries are in a relationship. With that being said, learning more about various types of polyamorous relationships can help you get a sense of what you might be interested in. Here are some sample relationship structures.
Polyamorous relationship: Again, this word is sometimes used to describe any CNM relationship. However, it can also be used to describe a relationship dynamic in which a person falls in love with more than one person and has an independent romantic relationship with each one.
Open relationship: Typically, an open relationship refers to two people in a committed partnership who have consensually decided to seek sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship. In a polyamorous relationship, a person might have the same commitment level to each partner. However, an open relationship often involves one primary relationship.
Swinging: In this kind of polyamorous relationship, couples swap partners with other couples to engage in sex. There isn't usually a romantic component to swinging, though couples might know each other intimately outside of swinging.
Keep in mind that these are general definitions. People who practice CNM might use these terms differently to describe their particular relationship. Other people who live a polyamorous lifestyle may not use terms or labels at all. These descriptions are meant to provide clarity around non-traditional relationship structures, not act as rigid parameters for what polyamorous relationships are or aren't.
How to talk about polyamory
Maybe you've always known you're poly, or maybe you recently learned about polyamorous relationships and are eager to start exploring polyamory. Regardless of your situation, it can be nerve-wracking to talk about polyamory, especially if you're currently in a monogamous relationship and are unsure where your partner stands.
At the same time, your partner deserves to know where you stand, just like you deserve to express your true feelings and desires. This might be a tough conversation (or it might go amazingly!), but it's one worth having. Regardless of the outcome, it's important for you and your partner to both be clear about what you each want, need, and value.
12 tips for how to tell your partner you're polyamorous
Ready to start the conversation around polyamory? Here are my top strategies for how to discuss such a relationship with your partner.
1. Identify the goal of the conversation
Before talking to your partner, it's helpful to get a clear picture of what you want to get out of the conversation. Is this the first time you're speaking with your partner about having an open polyamorous relationship? Maybe your goal is to educate and inform them about what polyamory is. Is your partner already familiar with polyamory? Maybe your goal is to tell them you want a polyamorous marriage. Determining the goal of the conversation can help you decide what to say and how to present it.
2. Get clear on your needs
It's also important to reflect on your own needs before diving into a conversation. As we discussed, polyamorous relationships can take on many different forms. What exactly are you looking for? Do you want an open relationship that only involves sex with other people or a polyamorous relationship where you develop serious romantic relationships with other partners? Identifying exactly what you're looking for is essential to have clear communication and boundaries.
3. Manage your expectations
It's natural to hope that the conversation goes well. Yet, keep in mind that your partner might be caught off guard by the idea of polyamory, especially if you've never discussed it before. It's not necessarily fair to expect your partner to be totally enthusiastic right away. Make sure to set realistic expectations for the discussion before going into it.
4. Choose an appropriate time and setting
Be intentional about where and when you choose to have this conversation with your partner. You may even want to let them know ahead of time that you need to have a serious discussion with them and mutually decide upon a time and place. Avoid bombarding them with a deep conversation out of the blue.
5. Use "I" statements
When telling your partner that you're interested in exploring a polyamorous relationship, keep the conversation focused on how you feel and need. Of course, your partner deserves to express themselves in the conversation as well. However, when you're broaching the idea of polyamory, make sure to identify it as something you want and need versus casting blame. For example, saying "I'm not sure that monogamous relationships meet my needs" lands much differently than saying "You're not enough to meet my needs."
6. Provide resources and education
If this is the first time you've talked to your partner about being in a polyamorous relationship, be prepared with resources to help them understand. Explaining polyamory during the discussion itself is helpful, but it may also be useful to have podcasts, books, or websites (especially those from polyamorous people themselves) that your partner can explore on their own after the conversation is finished.
7. Give your partner time and space
While it's up to your partner to communicate what they need after the conversation, it's likely that they might need some time to digest this new information, especially if you've never discussed having an open relationship before. Emotions may run high for both of you during your talk, and having some space to get grounded might help you have a more productive conversation.
8. Use active listening skills
You're asking for your partner's time and attention, so it's important to give them the same respect back. They might have lots of questions for you or they may simply want to process their emotions with you during the discussion. Both of you deserve to be actively listened to when discussing your needs and values.
9. Reassure your partner
When you explain polyamory to your partner, they might feel jealous, insecure, sad, confused, or even angry. While their feelings aren't your responsibility to "fix," it can help to reassure them that your interest in other relationships isn't a negative reflection on them. Make sure your partner knows that you love them and your current relationship and that your interest in a polyamorous relationship isn't about them.
10. Decide when to follow up
Talking to your partner about polyamory will likely take more than one conversation. Think of this initial discussion as a jumping-off point. As we discussed, your partner may need some time to process this information. Deciding when you'll talk about your relationship dynamics again will ensure that you both get space and dispel any uncertainty of when you'll follow up.
11. Respect their boundaries
Boundaries are a key part of healthy relationships, whether monogamous or polyamorous. If your partner decides that they're not interested in a polyamorous relationship, it's essential to respect that boundary. (Of course, you'll also need to decide whether or not you can stay in a monogamous relationship.) Consensual non-monogamy is just that—consensual—and all partners must be on the same page with whatever specific relationship structure you decide.
12. Be open to discussion
At the same time, some couples are able to compromise. For example, your partner might be okay with you having sexual relationships outside of the existing relationship, but only if they are out of town. Maybe they're okay with you having a new relationship with one partner in addition to them, but not more than that. Hopefully, you'll be able to find an arrangement that you're both comfortable with.
So you've had the conversation...now what?
Good on you for openly communicating your needs and desires with your partner! Once you've had a discussion (or several) explaining polyamory and deciding what kind of poly relationship works for both of you, it's time to make it happen.
It's normal to have lots of conflicting emotions during this time. You might be excited to finally explore having a relationship with someone else while also feeling nervous or uncertain about how it will go. There's no right or wrong way to feel (or to transition into a polyamorous relationship), so be patient with yourself and your partner as you figure this out together.
It can also be helpful to get support from other people who are in open relationships. You'll get reassurance that you're not alone in this process, and you'll get much-needed advice and support while you navigate the transition.
Online support groups can be a great way to connect with other people living a polyamorous lifestyle. You can chat about all the emotions, experiences, and dynamics that monogamous couples just wouldn't understand. How does it feel to meet your partner's partner for the first time? How do you find other poly people to date in your area? Hearing from other poly people can be incredibly helpful.
Polyamory therapy is a safe space for you to process it all.
Working with a poly-friendly therapist is another great way to get the support you need as you navigate polyamory. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I have specialized education in relationships and family systems. Plus, I have a deep knowledge of polyamory, which means you won't have to waste time and energy explaining polyamory to a therapist who doesn't get it.
Together, we can help you figure out how to talk about polyamory with your partner. We can also help you deal with the emotions that might come along with the social stigma around polyamory, explore what boundaries you need in your relationships, and more.
Whether you're just starting to consider relationships with multiple people or you've had a polyamorous relationship structure for years, we're here to help. Reach out today to schedule your free consultation. We look forward to hearing from you!