What To Say & What Not to Say When Your Child Comes Out
Takeaway: Are you curious about your child’s identity? Or did they just come out to you? Either way, processing the news can be difficult. Coming out is a big deal, but so is your reaction. It can shape the future of your child’s life and your relationship with them. In this blog, we’ll explore what to say and what not to say when your child comes out.
When your child says something like, “I’m gay,” “I’m queer,” or “I’m trans,” it can seem like a huge shock – especially if you aren’t expecting the news.
You might have questioned how this happened and why you haven’t noticed before now.
You could even be angry or hurt about this news.
In a perfect world, every parent would show their child love, support, and affection when they come out.
However, even the most accepting and progressive-minded parents may struggle with adjusting after their child comes out.
Keep in mind that it isn’t about you.
This could be the biggest moment of your child’s life thus far, and your response will heavily impact their sense of self-worth and belonging.
Your child needs your unconditional love and acceptance now more than ever, so approach this moment with empathy, understanding, and an open heart.
There’s no manual on how to handle your child coming out to you, but there are definitely things you should say and others you’ll want to avoid.
A note on language
In this blog post, we use the term “coming out” to encompass the experience of your child sharing part of their identity with you, including their pronouns, gender orientation, sexual orientation, and more.
We also use the term “LGBTQIA+” throughout this blog post to encompass all folks who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, asexual, and more.
With that said, language is constantly evolving. Also, these terms may resonate with your child, or they may not identify with any of them. Above all, it’s important to listen to your child’s individual needs and preferences.
Your Words and Actions Have an Impact
It’s typical to be nervous about how identifying as LGBTQIA+ will impact your child’s future, but don’t let that worry translate into your response to their decision to come out to you.
Your words and actions have an impact, but how?
Unfortunately, LGBTQIA+ people often live in fear of being rejected by their friends and family upon coming out.
Given the stigma that still surrounds being part of the LGBTQIA+ community in America, people who identify as queer or trans deal with many social challenges that straight folks don’t.
The Trevor Project, an organization that works to help LGBTQIA+ youth facing homelessness, reports that after coming out:
50% of teens receive a negative reaction from parents
1 in 4 teens have to leave their homes
68% of teens are rejected by their families
Your child has probably heard of these statistics or known someone who’s a part of them.
They’re also likely anticipated and planned for the worst-case scenario long before coming to you about this part of their identity: losing your love and support because of who they are.
If they’ve had a religious upbringing or were raised in a house with traditional values, they’re likely already aware of some of your concerns, too.
What To Say & What Not to Say When Your Child Comes Out
Everyone is unique, from how they handle conflict to how they love.
This uniqueness also extends to your values and beliefs, which might be challenged when your child tells you they’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community.
And while there’s no right or wrong way to navigate this journey for yourself, it's essential to approach it with an open mind and willingness to learn.
Remember, your child's identity is valid and deserving of respect, regardless of how it may differ from your own experiences or expectations.
Here are a few of our do’s and don’ts for deciding how to respond to the moment your child comes out.
Do thank them.
Before saying anything else, thank them.
If your child trusts you enough as a parent to share their true self and identity with you, you’ve done something right.
They value your opinion and view you as a safe person to come out to – and you shouldn’t take this for granted.
Tell them how much you appreciate their trust and bravery in confiding in you.
They need to hear this acknowledgment, as it lays the foundation for open communication and mutual respect in the future of your relationship.
Don’t say it’s “just a phase” or make your child feel guilty about their identity.
No one deserves to feel guilty about who they are or who they love.
Discovering your gender and sexuality is more than being curious about same-sex attractions or whether you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither; it’s an identity.
It’s not “just a phase,” so be sure to give your kids more credit than that assumption allows for.
Instead, talk to them and reassure them that you love and accept them unconditionally, just as they are.
Validate their feelings and experiences and avoid placing blame or questioning their choices; after all, it isn’t really your place to criticize their identity.
Remember, your child’s gender or sexual orientation, or identity in general, is not something they chose but rather a central part of who they are.
Do ask questions.
Many parents want to be an accepting person for their kids but feel confused about identity simply because they don’t understand it.
It's totally understandable to feel lost when it comes to LGBTQIA+ identities, but instead of assuming you know your child, take some time to get to know this side of them.
Here are some examples of questions you can ask to spark a conversation about learning more:
How can I best support you?
How can we ensure you feel safe and accepted at home and with family?
How can we, as a family, make sure we respect and honor your identity?
Can you tell me more about what your identity means?
Are there any boundaries you want to establish regarding discussions or behaviors related to your identity?
What's the best way to proceed so we can continue to have a good relationship?
Stonewall’s dictionary of LGBTQIA+ terms is also a great place to start learning the basics.
Don’t push them to come out to other friends or family.
Some LGBTQIA+ young people may start to feel comfortable with their gender and sexual identity at a young age, while others may take decades to put a label on their feelings about who they choose to love.
Rushing them to come out to close friends or other family members only lessens their trust in you, potentially causing permanent damage to your relationship.
Don’t perpetuate stereotypes.
There are tons of harmful stereotypes floating around about LGBTQIA+ people.
Making assumptions or generalizations based on these false ideas is harmful and limiting, making it difficult for you to make room for new ideas to enter your world.
Encourage your child to express themselves authentically and explore their identity without conforming to societal expectations.
Don’t try to guess the cause of their identity.
No one knows exactly why people identify or present themselves in different ways (i.e., identify as certain sexualities, how gender identities develop).
It’s also generally thought that culture doesn’t impact a person’s identity.
“Figuring out” how your child’s gender or sexual identity came to be might seem like a good way to rationalize the situation, especially if you’re having a difficult time handling the news.
However, speculating may only lead to more confusion and conflict during a time when support and love are imperative.
Do support them, but don’t forget while supporting yourself.
How would you feel if your own mother or father didn’t support you when you needed them most?
Being there for your child as they navigate their identity journey is crucial, but it's also important to prioritize your own mental health.
Find a balance between supporting your child and caring for yourself so you can be a strong and reliable source of love and support for them in the long run.
It's also important to make sure you're on the same page as other important people in your life, like your partner.
Whether you’re struggling to be the parent of an LGBTQIA+ child or fear you won’t react the way you want if your kid comes out, seeking help from a therapist is a smart idea.
We help parents like you every day process their emotions and feelings after their children come out, along with helping LGBTQIA+ people and their families navigate the coming out process.
Schedule a consultation to learn more about our services at Hold the Vision Therapy. We can’t wait to meet you!