Understanding Post-Separation Abuse: Insights from a Therapist and Survivor

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a crucial time to shed light on the often-overlooked complexities of abusive relationships. One such complexity is post-separation abuse, which can continue long after the relationship has ended. As a therapist, I have witnessed the profound impact this form of abuse can have on survivors. As a domestic violence survivor myself, I have lived it and as a researcher, I have studied it. In this blog post, we will explore how to identify post-separation abuse, its effects, how therapy can provide vital support for healing and recovery, and how the fear of this type of abuse can prevent victims from leaving abusive relationships.

What is Post-Separation Abuse?

Post-separation abuse refers to behaviors that an abuser employs to exert control or manipulate their former partner after they have left the relationship. While many assume that leaving an abusive relationship ends the abuse, the reality is often quite different. Statistics indicate leaving is the most dangerous time for a survivor/victim; 77% of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75% increase of violence upon separation for at least two years. This form of abuse can include harassment, threats, stalking, and use of the family courts, which can leave survivors feeling trapped and powerless.

Identifying Post-Separation Abuse

Recognizing post-separation abuse is vital to protecting and supporting survivors. Here are some common indicators:

1. Harassment/ Persistent Communication: The abuser may frequently attempt to contact the survivor through calls, texts, or social media, often with the intent to intimidate or control.

2. Stalking Behavior: This can manifest as following the survivor, showing up at their workplace or home uninvited, or tracking their movements through technology.

3. Threats of Harm/Intimidation: Threatening harm to the survivor or their loved ones, either directly or as a means of intimidation, is a common tactic used to instill fear and maintain control.

4. Using the Children: In cases where children are involved, the abuser may use custody battles, visitation arrangements, or counter, abusive or neglectful parenting as a means to maintain power and control over the survivor.

5. Financial Abuse: Abusers may try to sabotage the survivor’s financial independence by withholding funds, like child support, damaging credit, frivolous use of the courts to force the survivor to incur legal expenses or refusing to pay shared debts.

6. Legal Abuse: This includes filing false claims, using legal systems to intimidate and/or manipulate, or constantly challenging custody arrangements.

The Impact of Post-Separation Abuse

The consequences of post-separation abuse are profound and can affect survivors in multiple ways:

1. Emotional and Psychological Toll: Survivors often experience increased anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The ongoing stress of being monitored or threatened can lead to feelings of helplessness and isolation.

2. Social Withdrawal: Many survivors may withdraw from friends and family due to shame, fear for themselves or others, and lack of knowledge and understanding of post-separation abuse tactics by friends and family, which can exacerbate loneliness, anxiety, depression and despair.

3. Financial Hardship: If an abuser continues to manipulate finances, survivors may struggle to establish financial independence, leading to long-term economic instability.

4. Impact on Parenting: Post-separation abuse derails co-parenting efforts, leaving survivor to solo or parallel parent, at best, or navigate active campaigns by the abuser to undermine the survivor’s parenting and/or relationship with their children.

5. Physical Health Issues: Chronic stress from ongoing abuse can lead to a range of physical health problems, including headaches, digestive issues, and fatigue.

6. Increased Risk During Transition: As noted above, statistics show that the period between six months to two years after leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for survivors. According to research, many homicides occur during this time, as abusers may escalate their violence in an attempt to regain control.

The Fear of Post-Separation Abuse

One of the most significant barriers to leaving an abusive relationship is the fear of post-separation abuse. These fears can result in survivors remaining in or returning to the relationship, believing it may be safer than facing the uncertainties of post-separation abuse. This cycle can be incredibly damaging, as it reinforces the abuser's control and can further diminish the survivor's sense of autonomy. It typically takes leaving 7-9 times before a survivor leaves for good.

How Therapy Can Support Survivors

Therapy can play a crucial role in the healing process for survivors of domestic violence. Here are some ways it can be beneficial:

1. Creating a Safe Space: Therapy provides a confidential environment where survivors can express their feelings and share their experiences without judgment. This space allows them to process their experiences and begin to reclaim their narrative.

2. Coping Strategies: Therapists can equip survivors with tools to manage the symptoms of PTSD and the stress that can continue for years during post-separation abuse. Techniques such as mindfulness, grounding and somatic exercises, and cognitive-behavioral strategies can help survivors regain a sense of internal stability.

3. Empowerment and Advocacy: Therapy can help survivors identify their strengths, build resilience, and rebuild trust in self. A therapist can assist in creating safety plans and exploring options for legal support if necessary as well.

4. Rebuilding Relationships: Many survivors struggle with trust after leaving an abusive relationship. Therapy can guide individuals in rebuilding healthy relationships and developing supportive social networks.

5. Processing Trauma: Survivors often carry the emotional scars of their experiences. Therapists trained in trauma-informed care can help clients work through their trauma, allowing them to move forward with their lives.

6. Family Therapy Options: For those with children, family therapy can help address dynamics affected by post-separation abuse.

Conclusion

Post-separation abuse is a serious issue that requires awareness, understanding, and intervention. By recognizing the signs and the impact it has on survivors, we can take steps toward creating a supportive environment for healing. If you’re experiencing post-separation abuse, I encourage you to seek support from a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in domestic violence. Therapy, I can tell you from personal experience, is a powerful tool for reclaiming your life and finding the strength to move forward during and after post-separation abuse.

This October, as we observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month, let us commit to raising awareness about all forms of abuse, including post-separation abuse, and support survivors in their journey toward healing. If you or someone you know needs immediate help, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233. You are not alone.