How to Have Better Conversations With Your Partner
Even couples in healthy relationships can experience communication problems from time to time. It can be frustrating, isolating, and stressful when it seems like you and your partner just aren't on the same page or lack meaningful conversation in your day to day life.
However, there are plenty of strategies you can use to learn how to be a better conversation partner. In this post, we'll cover the most common communication problems that couples have and share our top tips for both increasing and deepening your conversations with your partner.
Common communication problems in romantic relationships
In order to understand how to have better conversations with your partner, it's important to recognize the communication problems you might be having.
Identifying the issues can give your and your partner a jumping off point with trying to have better conversations. While this isn't an exhaustive list, here are a few of the top issues that couples have with communication.
Having a lack of meaningful conversation
Small talk has an important role in relationships (we'll get to that later). However, having the same conversation about the weather all the time gets pretty old.
Only having basic, everyday conversations without having more meaningful conversations suggests that you and your partner might be in a conversation rut.
Avoiding difficult conversations
If you and your partner only engage in small talk, it could also be a sign that you're avoiding more difficult conversations.
Sometimes, when we fear our partner's reactions or feel uncomfortable talking about emotions, we avoid thinking or talking about hard things. While this might work in the short-term, it often causes more issues over time.
Focusing only on talking, not listening
Some people (mistakenly) think that communication is only about talking. However, good conversation involves an equal amount of active listening.
If you or your partner are only focused on getting your own point across, you're likely not paying attention to what the other person has to say. This can make it hard to have truly meaningful conversations.
Reacting instead of responding
When you feel triggered by your partner, the situation, or something about the conversation, you might have a big reaction.
This could look like lashing out, saying something you don't mean, or shutting down entirely. If you're not aware of your triggers or how to manage your reactions, it can be difficult to respond to your partner in a grounded way.
Using accusatory language
Using statements that are focused on your partner's actions rather than your feelings can inadvertently come off as blaming.
This can then lead to your partner feeling defensive, which could cause a fight or make them shut down. Learning how to frame responses in terms of how you feel can keep the conversation flowing more smoothly.
Increasing communication: How to talk more in a relationship
Before exploring how to have more meaningful conversations with your partner, it's essential to make sure you have a solid foundation to build from.
If your communication is minimal, it's unfair to expect that you'll go from barely talking at all to having the most meaningful conversations overnight. Here are some tried-and-true tips for how to increase your overall communication with your partner.
Carve out a few moments each day to check in
Conflicting work schedules, household tasks, taking care of children, and life itself can get in the way of taking time to connect with your partner.
However, dedicating just a few minutes to check in with each other can make a big difference. If you don't have daily time to sit down and catch up, try setting a time each week that's devoted solely to conversation.
Don't skip the small talk
If you and your partner only have small talk, there might be a deeper issue at play. However, it's also not realistic to think that you'll only ever engage in deep conversation.
Take the time to chat about the little things like your day, work, friends, and interests. These seemingly small conversations can provide opportunities to connect in and of themselves.
Connect with texts or phone calls
While talking face-to-face is ideal, it's not the only way to communicate. Checking in with a text message or phone call in the middle of the day is a quick way to connect and let your partner know that you're thinking of them.
This option can be especially helpful for couples who are short on time. It only takes a few minutes to start making an impact on your communication.
Spend quality time with each other
It can be difficult for busy couples--especially those with kids--to find quality time for each other.
However, it's essential to have date night (or even a "date hour") as often as possible. Having time to unwind and give each other your undivided attention provides the space to start the conversations you need to have.
Getting deeper: How to have meaningful conversations with your spouse
Now that we've reviewed how to increase your communication with your partner, it's time to get deeper. Having heartfelt, meaningful conversations is an important way to increase emotional intimacy within your relationship. Here are our favorite strategies for how to have deeper conversations with your spouse.
Be mindful of your body language
Communication is more than just talking. You can use your body to show your partner that you're listening. For example, if you're turned away from your partner, they may (consciously or unconsciously) get the impression that you're not paying attention.
Having your arms crossed might make it seem like you're not open to talking. There is no "perfect" way to show that you are listening, but being mindful of body language can certainly help.
Make eye contact
Along those lines, making eye contact with your partner can show them that you are paying attention. Looking someone in the eyes during conversation can also help you feel more connection, which might foster deeper conversations.
It's important to note that eye contact has different connotations in different cultures. If you're unsure how your partner feels about eye contact, it's best to ask them directly instead of making an assumption.
Try using pillow talk
Pillow talk can be a great way to foster meaningful conversation in a romantic relationship. Making the effort to intentionally connect before or after sex can help you and your partner feel more emotionally intimate. This can make both of you feel more inclined to have deep conversations--both inside and outside the bedroom.
Look up interesting conversation topics
Sometimes, partners want to have more meaningful conversations but just aren't sure what to talk about.
Though it sounds cheesy, looking up conversation topics online can be a helpful jumping off point. Make it a game: write conversation topics on pieces of paper and draw them out of a hat. See where the conversation takes you from there.
Ask follow up questions
Questions are a useful tool to foster conversations. Asking questions shows your partner that you're listening. It also shows that you want to gain a clear understanding of what they're talking about.
Not every response needs to be a question--after all, you don't want your partner to feel interrogated. However, using questions (especially open-ended questions) can help stimulate engaging conversation.
Use more open-ended questions
Speaking of open-ended questions, these are excellent communication tools. Open-ended questions give your partner the opportunity to elaborate and take the conversation in any direction they choose.
On the other hand, close-ended questions (questions that elicit one-word answers) can make conversation feel choppy, disjointed, or difficult. It's okay to use close-ended questions sometimes, but if you're trying to have more meaningful conversations, it's best to focus on open-ended questions.
Ask about your partner's mental health and wellbeing
It's easy to get caught in the same scripts within romantic relationships, especially if you've been with your partner for a long time.
It might feel natural to fall back on the same questions such as "How was your day?" While there's nothing wrong with basic questions like these, you might want to try asking your partner directly about how they are feeling. This shows that you care about their mental health and can open up deeper conversations.
Understand the role of self disclosure
Conversation shouldn't be one sided, so good conversations go beyond asking questions alone. Self disclosure is another important component of meaningful conversations. This entails sharing things about yourself: being honest about your mental health, how you're feeling, and more.
Being vulnerable with your partner can help them feel comfortable being honest with you, which can then stimulate the meaningful conversation you crave. Studies show that using self disclosure can also help reduce conflict.
How couples therapy can help you learn how to have deeper conversations with your partner (and more)
While these strategies are sure to help you have better conversations with your partner, you don't have to navigate communication problems alone.
Couples therapy can provide you both with extra support as you make changes within your relationship. Learn more about the benefits that couples counseling can provide for communication issues and more.
Remember what has worked for you before
In therapy, you can expect to talk about your relationship history. This can give your couples therapist an idea of what has worked well for you in the past in the hopes that you can apply some of these skills to your current situation.
While old strategies may not be a perfect fit for what you're currently experiencing, your therapist can help you and your partner brainstorm ways to rework them.
Create mutual understanding
Couples therapy is a space solely dedicated to fostering communication. Your therapist will help stimulate conversation between you and your partner.
They will also provide feedback and reflection to help you both get closer. Research shows that couples therapy can help couples gain a better understanding of each other, likely because it involves being open and vulnerable with each other.
Learn how to have hard but important conversations
Many couples want to have the tough but necessary talks but just don't know how. This can be especially tough for people who weren't exposed to healthy relationships growing up.
However, you can learn how to have more meaningful conversations with the help of a couples counselor. Therapy gives couples the opportunity to learn communication skills to talk about important issues. Having a professional there to help you practice can be especially helpful.
Start the process of couples therapy today
At Hold the Vision Therapy, we help couples like you learn how to have better conversations with your partner. Ready to start the process? Schedule a free consultation with one of our couples therapists to begin.