Can a Polyamorous Person Become Monogamous?
Takeaway: Exploring the type of relationship you want is a common part of personal growth, whether you want a monogamous or poly partner. However, if making that decision is proving to be difficult for you or one of your other partners, things can get complicated. In this blog, we’ll explore the differences between being polyamorous and monogamous and if it’s possible to transition from one type of relationship to the other.
Love is love, no matter how you label it, and your relationship style doesn't define your worth or capacity for connection. Whether you're polyamorous, monogamous, or still figuring it out, you deserve authentic relationships that make you feel seen and heard.
Many assume polyamory means you’re only interested in other people in the polyamorous community, but the reality is that identifying as poly doesn’t mean you can’t branch out and explore other kinds of relationships.
Why?
The answer is pretty simple: you don’t have to be defined by the constraints of a label.
Polyamory is a type of relationship identity and lifestyle on the consensual non-monogamy spectrum. It’s a term that can mean different things to different people, including:
An identity
A lifestyle
A way to structure romantic relationships
In this blog, we'll explore the difference between having polyamorous partners and exploring a relationship with a mono person.
What’s the Difference Between Polyamory and Monogamy?
To put it simply, polyamory is a relationship style that (consensually) involves other partners. A monogamous relationship is one in which two partners are committed only to one another.
However, relationships (like most things) aren’t often “simple,” and these blanket definitions can’t fit every unique relationship.
For example, a couple could start their relationship as monogamous and mutually decide to shift toward polyamory. Alternatively, someone who typically engages in polyamorous relationships might find themselves in a happy monogamous relationship.
For some people, the term “polyamorous” might describe their current relationship. For others, it might be a descriptor for their core identity, regardless of the specific relationship they’re in at the moment.
Monogamous and polyamorous people can also enjoy relationships together–which brings us to the concept of mono-poly relationships.
Mono Poly, Defined
A mono poly relationship is one where one partner identifies as polyamorous while the other identifies as monogamous. This dynamic means the polyamorous partner seeks connections with others, while the monogamous partner focuses solely on their bond with the polyamorous partner.
While this type of relationship is possible and can be a safe space for both partners to explore a new type of partner (if both partners consent to this type of arrangement), it takes a significant amount of dedication, clear and direct communication, and ongoing negotiation to ensure everyone’s wishes and boundaries are respected — both partners have to want to put in the effort.
Factors that Build a Healthy Mono Poly Relationship
Building a healthy mono-poly relationship requires careful consideration of several key factors. First, good communication is extremely important in creating an environment where your partner (or partners, depending on how you identify) feel heard and understood. This involves openly discussing expectations, desires, and boundaries and actively listening to each other's needs.
Create clear and concise rules and guidelines to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This can involve creating a behavior agreement that outlines what is and isn't acceptable in the relationship. It's important to remember that these rules may need to be adjusted periodically as the relationship evolves and new challenges arise.
Another key factor is understanding that mono poly relationships may involve multiple people, each with their own unique lives and experiences. It's essential to recognize that each person has their own friends, interests, and goals, and that these may not always align with those of their partners – or the single, monogamous partner. You have to be willing to shift between navigating the complexities of multiple relationships and focusing on your monogamous partner.
Success in a mono-poly relationship depends on the ability of all parties to prioritize communication, empathy, an overall acceptance of differences. This means being willing to listen to and learn from each other, even when it's challenging. Mono-poly relationships can survive and thrive by creating a safe and supportive environment where no one attempts to alter another partner’s identity to fit into their relationship preference.
So, can a poly person be happy in a monogamous relationship?
The short answer is yes, a polyamorous person can be in a monogamous relationship and be happy.
However, like anything else, it depends on each person’s desires, boundaries, values, and identity–all of which can change and evolve over time.
When it comes to exploring your needs in a relationship, communication with your partner(s) is key. It requires mutual understanding, compromise, and ongoing dialogue to ensure both partners' needs are met and respected.
Monogamy Doesn’t Have to be Permanent–But Respecting Your Partner(s) is Key
If you've asked yourself, "If I become monogamous, can I have a polyamorous partner again?", you're not alone. Many people in a polyamorous relationship have asked themselves the same thing. Here are a few things to remember as you start exploring other relationships:
Relationship styles aren't set in stone. As individuals grow and evolve, their relationship preferences and needs can shift, too.
Monogamy, like polyamory, can be a choice that can be revisited and reevaluated at any time if your partner doesn’t view it as a part of their identity.
If you're in a monogamous relationship and desire to explore polyamory, discuss it with your partner first. They may be open to exploring new possibilities together. However, don’t break your current relationship contract to explore the idea without their consent.
While it’s vital to be honest with yourself and your partner(s) about what you need in a relationship, remember that respecting your partner is as important. Asking a partner to change their identity or relationship structure preference so you don’t have to be uncomfortable, jealous, or force them to comply with your preferences/values, is both unfair and controlling.
It’s not your partner’s responsibility to change for you. When exploring your own needs and identity, it’s vital to accept your partner’s needs and identity as well. Part of this process may involve letting someone go if your needs and values are misaligned–no matter how much you may love them.
Frequently Asked Questions
As therapists who regularly work with polyamorous and monogamous people, we often hear similar concerns among poly people. Here are a few of our most frequently asked questions.
Can a poly person be happy in a monogamous relationship?
Absolutely. A polyamorous person, regardless of their sexual orientation, can thrive in a monogamous relationship if that's what they choose. Some poly individuals may find that their needs are met within a monogamous dynamic, especially if their partner is understanding and supportive of their polyamorous nature. Of course, remember that monogamy may not be a long-term fit for everyone.
How do I communicate that I'm interested in monogamy to my partners?
When considering a shift to monogamy, it is important to have an open and honest conversation with your partners. Take time to reflect on your desires and needs, and then talk with your partners about what monogamy means to you. Listen to their concerns and be open to feedback, ensuring that each of your partners feels heard and respected—especially if you consider one to be your partner in a primary relationship. Approach the conversation(s) with empathy and understanding, and remember that intimacy is built on trust and communication.
Is a poly monogamous relationship something I really want?
Fast forward a few years, and you may find yourself wondering if a poly-monogamous relationship is right for you. Consider what aspects of polyamory and monogamy resonate with you and whether a combined approach aligns with your relationship goals. Weigh the pros and cons, and have open discussions with your partner(s) to ensure everyone's on the same page. Remember, you deserve to have fulfilling polyamorous relationships, and self-awareness is key to overcoming challenges.
What other kinds of relationships can I have?
Beyond monogamy and polyamory, there are many other relationship styles to explore. Consider an open relationship where commitment isn't necessarily tied to exclusivity. Plus, all types of sexual and gender orientations can also identify as poly. Other options include non-monogamy, swinging, solo polyamory, relationship anarchy, or queerplatonic relationships.
How can I find support to learn about a new kind of relationship?
As you seek out a new kind of relationship, finding support is crucial. More specifically, it’s even more vital to seek support from a mental health professional or a polyamory-friendly therapist who can offer guidance on managing feelings and communicating effectively.
At Hold the Vision Therapy, we know that these types of therapists are few and far between. That's why we offer mental health services geared toward addressing the unique aspects of a polyamorous relationship.
If you're interested in talking with one of our therapists, please reach out and schedule a consultation with us.